Sana-chan

I'm so upset about this I don't even know where to start.

Sophmore year through senior year sucked.

After a certain breaking point in my life I was diagnosed Bi-Polar 1 disorder.

I caved and let my mother take me to a doctor to get checked out and get some meds.

The meds they gave me (abilify) had a TERRIBLE side effect.

only in adolescent FEMALES would there be a huge weight gain

i went from 125 pounds to 185 within a couple of months.

I have still am having a hard time dropping this weight.

I've switched from medication to medication.

Graduation.. I broke out in hives from my meds three days before.

This isn't a normal graduation either... White wedding dresses are worn. it's stupid really..

anyway, i stopped taking my meds during may of 2006 and I started going to sac state. Things were going better than usual. I could stick around at school if I didnt wanna go home.

First thing went wrong.. My boyfriend from frosh year in high school was killed in a motorcycle accident. A few days later, one of my close friends attempted suicide. She's fine now and regrets ever attempting.. but.. it really affected me. I had to drop a few classes. At that point, nothing mattered to me anymore. So I talked my parents into letting me withdraw from my classes. So, I got the rest of the semester off and I was told either I work or I go back to school

Got a job at a local raley's they treated me like crap. wont go into that. quit after two weeks. (xmas season lol)

I signed up for classes at a community college. I kid you not I broke down 2 am the day i was supposed to go.

Talked my parents outta making me go.

For two months I was looking for a job. I lost track of how many applications I turned in.

I then told my parents I wanted to move to santa cruz. that didnt go to well.

My parents told me I needed to work at least two months before I could move. Well.. I wasted two months looking for a job.

Never got a call back from anyone.

So, February 13, I had my stuff packed up and I had a little money and i left a note on my kitchen counter saying where i went.

here I am, in santa cruz. living in an apartment with my boyfriend and two other people.

havent had to pay rent yet. wont have to pay until next month because i just recently got a job.

My parents are dealing with this. I know it was a stupid thing to do.

But, is it so wrong that I am much happier here?

is it so wrong that i can actually be myself? not having to hide anything.

i havent been this happy in a while, but why must i still feel guilty?

if im so happy, why should i feel bad.

i hate my parents.. they put me through hell and never appreciated me for me. i always had to explain every single thing to them.

I had gotten my lip pierced. i liked it a lot.

but my mom convinced me to switch it from a loop to a stud. a month too soon.

it started closing up cuz i didnt have the right kind of stud.

and i had to take it out.

i miss it terribly, but i cant get another lip piercing because of my job...

i do miss home. i miss my puppy and i cant believe im saying this, but i miss my parents.

how can someone who hates the nagging and the fact i never got a say in things that happened to me miss it..?

I'm not new here.

But.. I couldn't remember my password from my other account and I don't have that e-mail address anymore..

So, whoever said it, was right.

Once you've been here you can't stay away.

Allie is my name

and I think it's been five years?

The reason I left, wasn't because I wanted to.

It was because I was in a bad relationship and let the guy control me..eh.. It's over now.

oh and, I moved lol.

Lots has happened!

I've missed you all!