Forum Wars Episode 2: The phpBB Wars, Pt. 2
* * *
As the morning red sun rose on the morning dew of the busboy cables in Forum Land, the Scwartz warriors all gathered together at the courtyards to receive their weapons and their final commands. All warriors were given a Bad Post Reporter, a special weapon that when pierced into another, they were automatically banned. As backup, they each received a Flame War Pistol, the most dangerous pistol ever put out on the eBay market. When shot, the victim immediately erupts into a flame war, causing his ban.
As they were receiving their weapons, Queen Ladywriter confronted King Sledgstone before his descent from the castle.
“Sledge,” Lady said.
Sledge turned to face her, but before he could speak, these two rulers and lovers were in what may be their last kiss. Sledge gave in to the kiss, allowing her love to soak in, giving him strength for the upcoming battle.
After they finished, he said, “Lady, my love, I won’t let you down. I will return from the battle and come back to you.” With that, he left, leaving a calm, but worried wife and queen behind…maybe even forever.
* * *
As the warriors were assembled after receiving weapons, they all waited in formation until the king arrived. Of course, just as he promised, he showed up right after the last weapon was given.
“My fellow soldiers,” he began, “you all may fear that this is your last day in Forum Land. We could be going to our sentence for the biggest double-post anyone has ever seen. However, I know in my heart, even when that time comes, I won’t back down. I won’t give up or let back on the handle of my Bad Post Reporter. I only hope that you all will do the same.”
With that, the Schwartz warriors all raised their Reporters high into the air, all roaring a great battle cry that could be heard from miles around.
“My fellow soldiers, thank you. Now, let’s go kick some BB Clone ass!”
* * *
However, this battle was not going to be easy, for Lord Ridic Ulous, the evil lead of phpBB, was watching them from his fortress through his viewing globe.
“So, AC is going to try to overthrow me, huh? They actually think they could make a resistance to go against me? Heh, so foolish they are, to waste their lives for a battle they cannot win.” He then turned to his most trusted henchman, Darth O’Malley.
“What is thy bidding, my Master?”
“You shall lead the clones to battle. With you in command, they will not reach 50 feet of this castle.”
“Yes sir. I shall do as you wish.”
“Now go, and defeat these Schwartz warriors like the petty excuses for profile they are.”
* * *
And so, the war had begun. As the COBRA brothers stayed behind to guard the castle in case of surprise attack, King Sledgstone and the Schwartz warriors headed for the castle. As usual, it was over-guarded, over-protected, and filled with Mac-round Virus turret gunner positions within every corner of the fortress wall and shield wall surrounding the castle. Today was going to be a great day for fighting.
Before they infiltrated, they gathered together to receive the battle plan.
“OK boys, gather around,” Sledgstone said. “Here’s the plan. We will each split into 3 groups. I want one Nobleman, one Savior, and at least one Warrior. Who’s teaming up?”
* * *
As the team looked around at the others to see whom they wanted to partner up with, Darth O’Malley was assembling his army of clones. The lines of clones seemed to stretch for miles. Those assembly lines must have worked overtime.
“Now is the time we attack these lowlifes of AC. They are horrible excuses for profiles and must be rid from the Forum Land. My clones, this will be a fight to remember. It will go down in history as the fall of AC!”
Then, all the clones raised their Double Post Assault Rifles into the air and cheered for their upcoming victory.
* * *
After much deliberation, the groups were made. Group 1 consisted of Vincent, GRX, and Strider Hiryu. Their job was to eliminate the threat of attack from the Mac-round Virus turret guns. Group 2 had Dubird, DX, Saiel, and Cabbit Girl. Their job was to break through the fortress shield wall and make the way to the castle. Finally, Group 3 was Sabe, GFX, BlitzZ, and CGRH. Their job: help clear a path to Darth O’Malley and Lord Ridic Ulous. All three had one common goal, though: destroy all BB Clones.
As the members looked around, they noticed that King Sledgstone was not partnered with anyone.
“Sir,” Sabe asked, “Who are you partnering up with?”
“Sorry, Sabe, but my battle is with Lord Ridic Ulous, and I cannot risk any of your lives in the crossfire. I hope you understand.”
Vincent yelled, “Of course we do, sir!”
“OK then, let’s go send some clones to the depths of normal internet play. Forward men, hooo!”
* * *
A lone guard at the turret gunner position was searching the outside grounds for coming intruders. As he surveyed the surroundings, he began to look at this picture and what he had done with himself. He was a BB Clone, the will of Lord Ridic Ulous. He had an unlimited supply to the best weaponry in Forum Land, was partnered up with over a million Clones, and had in his hands the grips of a Mac-round Virus turret gun. The thought of having such power made him crack a smile, until he felt a sharp pain in his back. He turned around to find GRX had stuck the Bad Post Reporter straight into his heart. As he faded away, he turned to find the other gunners were being attacked as well. Then, he understood: AC was attacking.
“GRX, do you always have to use such brute force?” Vincent asked when they came down.
“I can’t help being a stone-cold killer. It’s who I am,” he replied.
“All right then,” Sledge congratulated, “Good job Group 1. Group 2, you may proceed.”
With that, Dubird, DX, Cabbit Girl, and Saiel walked to the wall, slowly charging their Flame War Pistols. When all four had them fully charged, they unleashed the fiery-red charges into the wall, causing part of the wall to collapse, making an opening for the Schwartz warriors to pass through. With the giant explosion, the entire base went on high alert with the BB Clones waiting for them.
“Aw crap,” CGRH said, “I just knew something like this would happen.”
* * *
“The warriors are attacking the Clones, my Master,” Darth O’Malley said. “They continue to storm in. They only have twelve warriors, but we are being overrun.”
“Do not worry, my Apprentice,” Lord Ridic Ulous said, “for I have something special in mind for our little friends back at AC castle.”
* * *
“So,” COBRA 1 asked COBRA 2, “do you think we’ll get any action?”
“Probably. But only if Lord Ridic Ulous is smart enough to send Clones here when the castle is at it’s weakest.”
Suddenly, about 500 clones showed up, Bad Post Reporters in hand.
“Oh God,” COBRA 1, “I hate it when you’re right all the time.”
“Same here, brother. Same here.”
* * *
“13…14…15, GRX!” Vincent yelled from across the grounds. “What about you?”
“I’ve got 29!”
With that, a Clone came behind GRX, and fell to the ground after a shot with the Flame War Pistol. “Oops, I mean 30!”
“Yo, Strider, what about you?” Vincent asked, lunging his Bad Post Reporter into a Clone’s heart. “I’ve got 16!”
“Cool! I’ve got 23!”
“Aw, you’ve got to be kidding!”
* * *
Queen Ladywriter was waiting by the window of her room, waiting for Sledge’s triumphant return. She almost dozed about that possibly last kiss when…
“WARNING! WARNING! Enemies are attacking the castle. I repeat, enemies are attacking the castle! All royal members and personnel report to the Safe Rooms!”
“Oh, no,” Lady said to herself, “they got through!”
Then, all of a sudden, BB Clones stormed into her room, flashing the Double Post Reporters.
“Miss Ladywriter, you are under arrest for crimes of sending war against our High Lord Ridic Ulous. Surrender and die!”
Lady suddenly got the psychotic look on her face. “You…you broke my beautiful door down.” She suddenly pulled a Double-Blade Bad Post Reporter out of her make-up drawer. “Son-of-a-BITCH!”
* * *
Meanwhile, back at the phpBB fortress, Sabe, GFX, BlitzZ, and CGRH were fighting a path to the entrance to BB Fortress. They held back the BB Clones with their Bad Post Reporters, until they had a pathway cleared for King Sledgstone.
“Your Majesty, go now!” yelled Sabe, as he continued to fight more BB Clones off. That was all King Sledgstone needed to hear, as he ran into the castle, Bad Post Reporter in hand. When he was out of sight, CGRH and the others quickly went on the offensive side and started killing the BB Clones.
Then, CGRH’s sword blew out. “Crap, I knew these things would run dry.” Then, he grabbed a Double Post Assault Rifle and started gunning them down.
“Crap,” BlitzZ said, “there’s too many of them.”
“We can’t stop them much longer!” Sabe yelled.
“What are we going to do?” GFX asked.
“I’ll tell you what you can do,” a voice from behind the masses of Clones said. “You can just DIE in the filth that you’ve brought to this sacred ground!”
“It’s Darth O’Malley!” Sabe said.
“That is correct, Sabe. And now, it’s time I finished what I should’ve done a long time ago.” Then, he unleashed his Bad Post Reporter. “Now, I’ll destroy each and every one of you!”
“I don’t know if we can take him,” BlitzZ said.
“Get back,” CGRH said, stepping forward.
“CGRH? What are you doing?” GFX asked.
“This fight is with me and me only. Hand me your Bad Post Reporter.” With that, GFX threw it to CGRH. “Now, let the fun begin.”
* * *
Meanwhile, inside the phpBB fortress, Sledgstone mad his way to the command center, fighting off more BB Clones on his way. Finally, he got to the command center, where Lord Ridic Ulous was waiting for him.
“Well, well, well…if it isn’t King Sledgstone, ruler of AC,” Lord Ridic Ulous said.
“You…” Sledgstone said.
“Yes, it is I, Lord Ridic Ulous. I’m so glad you’ve come…so I can destroy you!” He quickly pulled out a Trojan Virus Gatlin gun. “Now…DIE!”
* * *
CGRH and Darth O’Malley were at each other’s throats, continuing to fight with such malicious tactics. The resonating plasma from the Bad Post Reporters were slashed everywhere as the fight for survival continued to unfurl.
“Should we help him?” Sabe asked.
“Yeah, it looks like he needs help,” BlitzZ agreed.
“Nah, that will just ruin the moment,” GFX said.
Suddenly, CGRH knocked the Bad Post Reporter out of Darth O’Malley’s hand.
“Oh, crap,” O’Malley said.
“This is the end for you, Darth O’Malley,” CGRH replied, swinging the sword straight through his neck, decapitating his head.
“Adios, bastard. Adios.”
“A little too mellow-dramatic, are we?” GFX asked.
“Can it, GFX!”
“All right,” Strider Hiryu said, “we managed to stop all the Clones, and psychotic freak here beheaded Darth O’Malley.”
“Thank you,” CGRH said.
“Wait, where’s King Sledgstone?” Dubird asked.
"And what about DX and Saiel?” Cabbit Girl wondered.
“I’ll give you two guesses, but you’re only going to need one,” Dubird replied.
* * *
Sledge was on the ground, trapped in a corner, with Lord Ridic Ulous in front of him, Trojan Virus Gatlin gun pointed right in his face.
“So much for King Sledgstone, huh, my friend?” Lord Ridic Ulous asked. All Sledgstone could do was inhale and exhale. No words could form. “Oh, well, now it your time to die…”
Then, the other warriors stormed in to find Lord Ridic Ulous about to kill King Sledgstone. When Lord Ridic Ulous turned the gun and himself around, it was all they could do but gasp.
“SON OF A BITCH!” GFX yelled.
“SON OF A BITCH!” BlitzZ gasped.
“MADRE de DIOS!” CGRH called.
With that, everyone looked at CGRH with confusion written all over his or her faces in blue ink.
“You know,” GRX said, “that really doesn’t mean son of a bitch in Spanish.”
“Oh well. So what?”
“ENOUGH!” yelled Lord Ridic Ulous. However, under all that confusion, Sledge had gotten up and retrieved his sword. Just when he said, “Now before I kill your leader, I’ll kill all of you!” the sword was plunged into his heart, ending his rule.
“Well, at least we’re not a captain’s crew,” Sledge said.
“Why do you say that?” Vincent asked.
“Because if Columbus had this crew, the world would still be flat.”
* * *
That night, at AC, the members were throwing a big celebration. There was a big feast and a fireworks show to top off the first night of AC’s second freedom. All through it, the warriors were reminiscing about the battle.
“So, Vincent,” GRX said, “how many did you kill?”
“I think around 1,293.”
“Then we are even.”
“I killed that many as well,” Strider Hiryu said. “I guess were all equal.”
“No, I’m a mod,” Vincent said, “and you two aren’t.”
“Crap, the guy’s right,” GRX said.
“So, CGRH,” GFX said, “did you have a fun time today?”
“Oh yes. Big time.”
“Yeah, too bad they ran out of Clones to kill.” With that said, the two friends laughed together.
“Oh, DX, you were so brave,” Saiel said as DX held her.
“You were awesome yourself, honey,” DX replied.
“Would you two get a room?” Cabbit Girl said.
“Yeah,” Dubird said, “you’re even starting to bug me.”
“So, COBRA 1 and COBRA 2,” BlitzZ confronted, “how was life while you were guarding the castle?”
“Oh, boring,” COBRA 1 said.
“Yeah,” COBRA 2, “they didn’t send enough for us to have fun.”
“Well, Sledge, you’ve helped save the kingdom,” Lady said. “I’m proud of you honey.”
“Yeah, at least you didn’t get into any trouble with the clones.”
“Oh, honey, you have no idea…”
And that's the end!