Sana-chan

I'm so upset about this I don't even know where to start.
Sophmore year through senior year sucked.
After a certain breaking point in my life I was diagnosed Bi-Polar 1 disorder.
I caved and let my mother take me to a doctor to get checked out and get some meds.
The meds they gave me (abilify) had a TERRIBLE side effect.
only in adolescent FEMALES would there be a huge weight gain
i went from 125 pounds to 185 within a couple of months.
I have still am having a hard time dropping this weight.
I've switched from medication to medication.
Graduation.. I broke out in hives from my meds three days before.
This isn't a normal graduation either... White wedding dresses are worn. it's stupid really..
anyway, i stopped taking my meds during may of 2006 and I started going to sac state. Things were going better than usual. I could stick around at school if I didnt wanna go home.
First thing went wrong.. My boyfriend from frosh year in high school was killed in a motorcycle accident. A few days later, one of my close friends attempted suicide. She's fine now and regrets ever attempting.. but.. it really affected me. I had to drop a few classes. At that point, nothing mattered to me anymore. So I talked my parents into letting me withdraw from my classes. So, I got the rest of the semester off and I was told either I work or I go back to school
Got a job at a local raley's they treated me like crap. wont go into that. quit after two weeks. (xmas season lol)
I signed up for classes at a community college. I kid you not I broke down 2 am the day i was supposed to go.
Talked my parents outta making me go.
For two months I was looking for a job. I lost track of how many applications I turned in.
I then told my parents I wanted to move to santa cruz. that didnt go to well.
My parents told me I needed to work at least two months before I could move. Well.. I wasted two months looking for a job.
Never got a call back from anyone.
So, February 13, I had my stuff packed up and I had a little money and i left a note on my kitchen counter saying where i went.
here I am, in santa cruz. living in an apartment with my boyfriend and two other people.
havent had to pay rent yet. wont have to pay until next month because i just recently got a job.
My parents are dealing with this. I know it was a stupid thing to do.
But, is it so wrong that I am much happier here?
is it so wrong that i can actually be myself? not having to hide anything.
i havent been this happy in a while, but why must i still feel guilty?
if im so happy, why should i feel bad.
i hate my parents.. they put me through hell and never appreciated me for me. i always had to explain every single thing to them.
I had gotten my lip pierced. i liked it a lot.
but my mom convinced me to switch it from a loop to a stud. a month too soon.
it started closing up cuz i didnt have the right kind of stud.
and i had to take it out.
i miss it terribly, but i cant get another lip piercing because of my job...
i do miss home. i miss my puppy and i cant believe im saying this, but i miss my parents.
how can someone who hates the nagging and the fact i never got a say in things that happened to me miss it..?