Anyone have any good jokes?

[Pchan 5,162]

For guys who're on pot ...

Q. How do you know when you have smoked enough pot ?

A. When you start looking around for the directions on how to use the lighter.

------

A horse and a chicken are walking around in a barn yard. The horse slips and falls into a deep puddle. He tells the chicken, "Go get the farmers' Mercedes and a long rope, tie one end of the rope to the car, and the other end to me, and pull me out of here." So the chicken does so and pulls the horse out of the puddle.

Weeks later they are walking around the barn yard again, and this time the chicken falls into the puddle. He quickly tells the horse, "Quick, get the car (Mercedes) again!" The horse says, "I have a better idea" The horse then stands over the puddle and says "Grab onto my penis and pull yourself out." The chicken follows the horses instructions and gets out of the hole.

Morale of the story: "If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a mercedes to pick up chicks."

[Flying_Monkey 500]

X'D oh man its soo funny.

[GundamFreakX 836]

MG, godgrave! :rotflmao: ROTFLMFAO!

[Wolflord 1,488]

Haha okay...

So a man walks into a bar with a garbage bag. He reaches into the bag and pulls out a mini piano. He then pulls out a 12 inch little man who starts playing the piano. The man was amazing. The bartender asks "where did you get him?"

The man replies "I was walking on the beach, when I found a genie. The genie gave me one wish, and I wished for him. It's not of any use to me anymore." So he gives the bartender the bottle. The bartender wishes for a million bucks. He goes into the kitchen to find a million ducks. He goes back to the man and says "I think your genie is a little deaf, I wished for a million bucks, not ducks."

To which the man replies "Of course, do you think I wished for a 12-inch pianist?"

[Miyu 307]

how does a gay guy get across the pasific ocean? two strokes and he's there.

[Pchan 5,162]

that's funny

[Miyu 307]

WARNING PG 13 OR R I FORGET!!!

what did one boob say to the other? "we better get some support or some one is going to think we're nuts.

[Flying_Monkey 500]

hahahahahahahahahahahhaha

Holy crap Its too funny.

[Pchan 5,162]

Haha that was a good joke Miyu ....

There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful

teenage daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they

always wanted.

After months of trying, the wife finally became pregnant, and sure

enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later.

The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took

one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be the

father of that child.

"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her a

stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"

The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time, I didn't!"

[Flying_Monkey 500]

holy Crap that is too funny

[Miyu 307]

that is funny!!

[Pchan 5,162]

An oldie, but a goodie

-----------

A couple is golfing one day on a very, exclusive golf course lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband says, “Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball. Don't knock out any windows, it'll cost us a fortune to fix."

The wife tees up and promptly shanks it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringes and says, "I told you to watch out for the houses! all right, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost."

They walk up and knock, and a voice says, "Come in." When they open the door, they see glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer.

A man on the couch says, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh, yeah," the husband says. "Sorry about that."

"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes - I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."

"OK, great!" the husband says. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem - it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie says, looking at the wife.

"I want a house in every country of the world," she says.

"Consider it done."

"And what's your wish, Genie?" the husband asks.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looks at the wife and says, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess it's OK with me if it's OK with you."

So the genie takes the wife upstairs and ravishes her for two hours. Afterward, he rolls over, looks at the wife, and says,

"How old are you and your husband, I may ask?"

"I am 34 and he is 35. Why?"

"And you still believe in genies?"

[Nattizo 34]

well there a joke thats ok for me its called fuckyou trouble it goes like this

there were two boys named fuckyou and trouble so one day they wanted to play hide n go sike so trouble was it he had to count to ten so fuck you was running to cross the street but he did not look across the street so then he almost got hit by a car a police car so then the policeman puts down the window and he calls fuckyou he says hey hey you come here so fuckyou walks up to the policeman the policeman says whats your name boy fuckyou says my name is fuckyou the policeman says what what did you just say my name is fuckyou the policeman says are you looking for trouble fuckyou says no trouble is looking for me

[Gundam-Ranger-X 1,988]

oO *scratches head* I think somebody need to learn how to use ponctuation.

[Miyu 307]

in an old people care home, a woman in her 60s was in a wheel chair because her legs were perolized.well she almost always thought she was in a car.

one day in a hallway she started making noises like a car would make, and started making her whell chair go really fast. an old man came out of one of the rooms. "halt" said the old man, "you were going over the speed limit. can i see your drivers license missy." well the woman looked in her purse and gave the man a lolipop, "Well ok but this is your first warning. slow it down next time."

the woman obeyed him, for a while, but when she turned the corner you could hear her make the niose of a car, and go faster in her wheel chair.

the old man stepped out of the room again, "halt" said the man, "you were going way to fast, let me see your drivers license." the woman looked through her purse again and gave him a nickle, "OK but this is your last warning, keep it slow."

well as soon as the woman turned the corner she started amking noises like a car again and started going faster in her wheel chair. well the the old man came out again but this time naked.

right away the woman stoped and said, "OH NO NOT THE BREATH O'LIZER AGAIN!"

[Bureda 10]

X'D

Okay so a Japanese man lets call him Bob, went to a street, there were 11 houses. he went to the first house, knocked on the door, and when a man answered, he said "hey, what's your name." The man replied "Fu-king." Bob finished his census, went to the next house. Same thing. he keeps going until he gets to the last house, where an 8 y old boy answers. So bob says "Hi, you must be fu-king." To which the boy replied "no.. I'm watching TV."

hahah nice one

[Wolflord 1,488]

okay so here's one I remembered while talking to Evangalina

-----------------

Okay so a woman with no arms and no legs is sitting on a bench by a bus stop. A man walks by and sits down next to her. They talk for a while, and the man gets up to go. "please sir, no one has ever sat down and talked to me before, could you please stay awhile?" She asks him. The man, startled, replies he would be delighted. When he REALLY has to go. She says "please, no one has ever kissed me before, not even my parents. Could you please kiss me." So he kisses her. She then says "please, no one has ever fucked me before, could you please fuck me?" (can ya guess where this is goin ) So the man picks her up, carries her to a lake, chucks her in, and says "now you're fucked."

Lol

[Miyu 307]

ok i didn't know this was so long forgotten but i though i might as well start back at this one then make a new one so here is a pretty good joke i think

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he''d like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I''m so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl''s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"

[Honeybee 29]

omg i love that one

1. this guy is really smart he has his whole house figured out he is going to use only 5,000 bricks. Turns out when the house is done he used 4,999 bricks what did he do with the other one?

He threw it away of course!

2. What do you get if you cross an elephant with a Rhino?

Hellifiknow

3. Two blonds were walking in the woods when they spotted some tracks

"I think its deer tracks" said the first blonde

"Well i think its bear tracks!" said the second

doesnt matter the train ran over them anyways

4.okay these people were riding those reallly old planes where you could open the windows to see the view, and you could smoke alllll you wanted (ladys dream)

well anyhow a man sat down and pulled out a cigar then next to him sat a portly lady with a chiwawa (sp). An hour passed and it turned out every time the guy to a puff on his cigar the chiwawa would go yap yip yip yip yap!!!!!

A few minutes later the portly women said

"Sir if you dont put out that cigar ill throw it out the window!"

(man takes another puff right at the ladys face)

"Mame if you dont shut up that dog ill throw it out the window!"

(takes another puff at her face)

now i thought the guy was gonna do it but that ladys grabs that cigar and chucks it out the window. she looks back at the angry man with a smirk.

Full of anger he takes the chiwawa and toses it out the window while the lady gives a shrill of terror.

"YOU JUST THREW MY DOG OUT THE WINDOW!"

"well you threw my cigar!"

they come for a landing and the lady bolts out of the plane crying

"FEEEFEEE FEEEFEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE"

then in the distance comes little old feefee,and guess what it had in it's mouth?

A brick

[Wolflord 1,488]

bwahaha, I told that one earlier HB, except mine was shorter mwuahahaha.

I also heard a shorter version of that one Miyu..

A kid walks into a pharmacy, and shyly asks for a box of condoms. The man working there is proud. He's glad to see young people being responsible and using protection. He's so happy, he gives the kid the condoms half price. Later that night, his daughter's boyfriend shows up to take her out, and lo and behold, it's the kid..

Your version was better.

[Honeybee 29]

heres a joke brought to you by Miyu

i was telling miyu this awesome joke my dad told me

"Two sausges (sp) were frying in a pan and one sausages saiys to the other on 'Man its hot in here im starting to burn up!' and the other one says 'AHHHH TALKING SAUSEAGE!'"

Miyu doesnt laugh one bit

but 10 min later and shes roaling in laughter when i ask her why she says

"I found this awesome joke! it goes "Two eggs were frying in a pan and one egg says to the other on 'Goddness its hot i do believe im starting to fry!' and the other one says 'AHHHH TALKING EGG!'"

dork.......

[Wolflord 1,488]

Bwahaha. It's only funny because she spites you